DigiMorons

"If my power went out they'd be here within' a couple of hours!"

2010-07-13T23:10:00.000-07:00

Ah my dear customers how I loathe to talk to thee about such subjects as this. Allow me to introduce you to my readers. Readers this is moron, moron these are readers, readers laugh at the moron, don't forget to point and snicker. So I bet you are wondering what this is all about. My customers tell me all the time about how their electrical company or their telephone company would get them someone out right away whereas my company will not.

None of that is necessarily true at all. First we provide internet, that is hardly as important as having electricity to do important things like heating or air conditioning. Although you like to think that internet is just as important you'd be wrong. The world operated completely fine with out the internet and would do just fine if it were to have to again. Oh what's that? You use it for business? Well maybe you shouldn't use a residential internet provider for business service.

Secondly I hardly doubt that said electricity provider would do so so quickly. I happen to have a friend who works for a local electrical company that will remain nameless. Said company works about the same as us, it's first come first serve. You may or may not get someone out there the next day or worse yet you might wait 3 weeks out. It is completely up to when you call and what your problem is. For instance my company also provides phone service, when you don't have a dial tone we get someone out the next day.

Sometimes getting someone out the next day still isn't enough for Mr. Ineedeverythingnow. That's right I'm talking about the very next day and these people complain that they pay "good money" and they want someone out now. So how does one win with these people? They don't, because tweedledumbass asks for a supervisor, wastes more of my times, my supervisor's time, and their time just so that the sup can tell them the same fucking thing over again. I once had an appointment with a rival company to install phone service.

This was the very first install I was to have at this address so it was important to me that I have service the day that I moved in to the apartment. This company that will remain nameless took 2 weeks to get me a dial tone. Now you tell me who has the better time frame, my company or theirs. The ironic thing is that almost every time someone mentions that "so and so would have someone here within' a couple of hours" it's always that company that took two weeks to get to me. I laugh on the inside every time I hear it.

EA and DRM

2010-07-13T19:40:00.000-07:00

Digital Right Management (DRM) is a process put in place to circumvent copyright infringement. It comes in many forms, some companies require you to be online and register your product, others it's as simple as encryption on the disc that keeps you from copying. But lately there's a new kind of DRM, one that is so foul and sinister that one can scarcely mention it with out feeling sick to their stomach. Money-making DRM, that's right folks the process of purposefully restricting access to certain features so that you can make some additional money. EA is the biggest perpetrator of this.

Lately EA has been making games with a built in online feature that logs into their servers to keep track of stats and content and a few additional features. But in addition to those things they also restrict access to those online features and the content that goes with it unless you buy a brand spanking new copy. A perfect example of this is Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 2 has a built in online feature called "Cerberus Network" but we'll call it cash cow instead.

Now when you buy a new copy of Mass Effect 2 you get a free code to log in to cash cow and download any available content you want. If you bought a used copy of Mass Effect 2 good luck to you because now you have to pay 1200 Microsoft Points to purchase one. This means that you don't have access to any ANY online content this includes expansions and downloadable content unless you are both A.) Online and B.) Have either purchased a new copy of Mass Effect 2 or bought the 1200 MS point equivalent cash cow key.

Wanna know another way that this "DRM" works to prevent pirates from gaining access to content? I transferred a couple of my ME2 save files to a memory card for my XBOX360 so I could play ME2 on my brother's 360 (he already has it installed), when I logged in to cash cow it showed me content I hadn't purchased entitled Kasumi (a character you can download for ME2) I didn't think anything of it, I just thought to myself "Well, like any other game if I don't have the content on the other 360 it'll just tell me that content is no longer available".

WRONG! Instead when I go to play my save file on my 360 it now tells me that I can't play the game because the following content is missing: Kasumi. Gee imagine my surprise, now I can't play a save file on my 360 that was created on it to begin with. Gee that's wonderful EA thanks a fucking bunch. I was forced to purchase the content just so I could keep playing a save file I had every right to be able to play regardless. Just disable the content so I can't play it or remove the content. I didn't initiate the mission to get Kasumi.

EA rear-ends people and I hope that there's some kind of uprise eventually that puts this devious shit storm of a company into the ground. They are evil like no other company I've ever fucking seen and some of the things they do are ridiculous. From their ludicrous DLC to some of their "updated" titles, the company needs to get flushed or get over itself and start being about gamers and less about corporate greed. We're your market, don't take advantage of us. That DLC (Downloadable Content) I was talking about really goes against what gaming should be.

For Dante's Inferno if I'm a little sick of actually playing the game to get souls to purchase new powers I can download some DLC EA has provided that will GIVE me a certain amount of souls in game. This transfers over to other titles as well, getting the best car in the game, or upgrades that are on the disc but can't be accessed with out the DLC they provide. We don't want your stupid free bullshit that gives us an edge for a price. Most people like earning their content, that's why they keep playing. If I want the best car I'll win it through the game, not because I paid 12 of my real world dollars for a fake fucking car or some extra souls. Screw you EA, screw you.

Beating a dead horse: Halo Edition

2010-07-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the first edition of "Beating a Dead Horse". These articles will discuss and argue my point over games and other media that has been overly hyped, overly publicized and just plain is getting old. In this edition I will talk about the Halo video game series.

I won't go into how Halo got started but I will say it grew very popular because it was the "killer app" for the XBOX console. Why was it the killer app? Because it was the only playable or palatable game that the original XBOX launched with. The other duds that launched with the XBOX could hardly be considered games at all. So Halo was really the only choice you had in terms of a recognizable game genre.

It never was visually impressive to me, heck it didn't even have a semi-original story. I realize ideas are essentially built on another idea that you make your own but come on, aliens versus space marines, how many times have I heard that? The Halo series carries the normal assortment of un-original and brainless weaponry. Each weapon essentially comes with an alien counter-part so I won't go over those.

The marine weaponry consists of a rifle, pistol, machine gun, rocket launcher, sniper rifle, etc. You see where this is going. What we end up with is Quake with shields and dual wielding. Note you couldn't dual wield swords, the only thing I'd expect anybody to dual wield efficiently on a battlefield. If you dual wield weapons in real life one of two things happens or even both: 1.) Depending on the caliber of the weapon you could potentially break both of your arms and 2.) It's incredibly inaccurate and more likely to hit some random pigeon than the actual target.

People seem to love Halo but not one of these people seems to be able to give me a good reason why. That's because more than half of the Halo fans are composed of bandwagon people that like it because their one crazy friend does. People play the game and seem to have this false idea that it's actually fun. What's so fun about a game that consists of only one routine: Find the power weapon and completely bowl over the other team. Note the power weapon, that's all that people go for first.

If there were an out and out firefight it'd be intense but instead it consists of: Find rocket launcher, jump around like a complete dipshit and rain hell down on the other team. Or you can go with scenario B: sneak around like some wimp and cut people down with a plasma sword that homes in on people. Now they've got Halo: Reach coming out, when Halo: Reach was announced I couldn't care less whether it sold well or some redneck used the disc for target practice. People are going all gaga over it and there were all these ads plastered all over XBOX live about it.

It gives me a fucking headache even thinking about how hyped this series really is. Halo 2 failed to live up to expectations and so did fucking Halo 3. So now all the fanboys are throwing fist pumps around saying "YES FINALLY THIS WILL DO HALO JUSTICE!" and that's what they did with part 3 after part 2 completely canned out. The first thing I hated about Halo was how fucking high people can jump, it's just ridiculous and you look like an asshole doing it. Now it's got jetpacks and some other pussy features I can't even be bothered to look up. So in addition to jumping around and looking like a complete asshole you can look like an even bigger douche flying around with a jet pack.

I like when I see some Halo fanboy in other games trying to bunny hop but he ends up skipping because no other game has ridiculous physics like Halo does. Whoopedefrickindoo, I could give a fuck less about your stupid jet pack or anything even Halo related. Please let this stupid franchise die and drown in the toilet where it belongs. Stop milking a franchise that should have ended at part 1 and most of all stop beating a dead fucking horse.

DigiMorons can be found on Google!

2007-06-14T12:30:00.000-07:00

That's right folks, the web log that nobody reads is now sort of searchable on Google. When you type in the phrase "DigiMorons" one of the first web logs I ever posted shows up at the top of the search page! Check it out here.

A terrible irony

2007-06-14T07:50:00.000-07:00

Recently I visited one of my favorite video web logs on youtube called TheResident. It wasn't the video that bothered me so much as one of the comments. The actual video was about TheResident visiting E3 and was actually entertaining enough for me to watch being that I've always wanted to go to E3. Viewing the comments I found the following:

"Fuck these video game fagets, you need to get yourself with a true man - I can beat the shit out of anyone at E3 and anyone on this page because they are too busy jerkin it to a cartoon while im in the gym beanching 370 - enough to put my fist through these fagets skulls, so give me a holla!!!" - danteAllahOeAkbar

That's not entirely too interesting in and of itself but when I saw it a ton of things came to my mind. First I took the liberty of checking out his profile so I could see what a typical comment looks like for Mr. Akbar. Not too much to my surprise almost every comment he left was either rude or obscene. My first instinct was to leave a reply to this humongous troll's obvious attempts to get a rise out of the people he was leaving comments for.

Instead of doing that I thought I'd like to critique a few things here for every body who can view this web log to see. I'll do this like normal with segments taken from his reply and my response to said segment. And finally I'll follow up with one last thought. Enjoy.

"Fuck these video game fagets, you need to get yourself with a true man "
Video game fagets? First off what is a faget? Oh that's right faget is the way testosterone driven morons spell FAGGOT. I suppose by real man you mean the same old stereotypical podump, let's go huntin' and have some chew, male that you feel you have to be. Secondly, these video game "fagets" are more than likely in the same category of people who enable you to use your little puter and leave all those badly written comments. The kind of people who actually have the know how to build a computer. I'm sure you can lift a computer sure but who can't? I'm the same kind of "faget" you'd pick on and ridicule, yet somehow I can lift a computer.

"I can beat the shit out of anyone at E3 and anyone on this page because they are too busy jerkin it to a cartoon while im in the gym beanching 370 "
Yes because that's definitely what women are impressed with: men who can beat the shit out of people who are weaker than them. That's the kind of honorable action that people flock to every day, yes sir it is. What's wrong with jerkin' it to a cartoon? I'm sure it's no worse than jerkin' it to sports magazines like you do because you are a "real man". Who cares if you can lift 370 pounds? I'm sure you are good at moving furniture and lifting weights but when are you going to do something that actually matters? I mean since you are so great you ought to be able to do things that people are impressed with. The general populace might go ohhh and ahh at your strength but after the bear is done standing on the ball, the dog is done jumping through the ring of fire, and the bearded lady has shown her beard what are you going to do? Every body will forget how much you can lift and realize how fucking stupid you are because you can't do much else.

"enough to put my fist through these fagets skulls, so give me a holla!!!"
Illiteration aside I think I'll stick with not having a fist in my skull. Once again you've proven your male dominance, are you happy now? No of course you aren't, people such as yourself are rarely ever satisfied with compliments. That's why they call it narcism. You are so full of yourself that you fail to realize how full of shit you are. You have no real use in this world and can't do things people actually look up to like fighting crime or saving people from burning buildings. Hell you can't even spell most of the time I'm sure. I'm sure that all the females holla at you all the time friend. The kind of women we all dream about. The kind of women that don't even know how to use a pencil eraser.

In summation I've concluded that this is a new breed of person we have here. I've come across this type of person once or twice. Their pig headedness has lead them to believe that the majority of people see men or women as a stereotype instead of individuals. These people pick on others that help them. The "fagets" that he's talking about might one day come up with something that he'll want. You know that iPod you bought and wear on your hip as you lift weights? Yeah one of those "fagets" came up with that. The point is that people are free to live life however they want to. I'm sure there are people out there that choose not to have any friends and could care less. I bet some of them even find that fulfilling. It's not an insult to say somebody doesn't have friends because that is just fine. I can't imagine Mr. Akbar having many friends if this is his view on life. I'm sure any friends he has actually managed to acquire will eventually come to the realization that he is a douche and nobody likes him because of his close-minded nature.

Things that I dislike but don't quite piss me off.

2007-06-10T12:52:00.000-07:00

Tattoos - I know I just pissed off half of the world but before you go killing me let me explain. Tattoos seem like the thing to do, just like how goth kids wear spiked necklaces. It just seems like something you should do, why? Nobody can explain why, most people don't even get tattoos that mean a damn thing. Usually people get tattoos because "they look cool". Personally, if I were going to get a tattoo, I'd want it to mean something. I wouldn't want it to be "cool". Something that brands you for the rest of your life should not be taken so lightly. You may also want to think of how said tattoo will look on your wrinkled old body. Not exactly the perfect tapestry it used to be now sagging and looking more like soggy frosted flakes than a parchment. Even Bausch and Lomb can't save you.
T-Shirts with phrases or words - Just pissed off a lot more people. Sure they are cool, and funny, etc. but really what is the point? "Can't sleep the clowns will eat me" is only funny for so long. Let's use people as an example. Take Carrot Top for instance, he used to be hilarious, people loved him, he was the pinnacle of all that is funny. Now when people think of Carrot Top they'd rather barf than sit through his standup. Paulie Shore, Paulie Shore in his prime was a man who couldn't go a year with out a movie deal. Now Paulie Shore can't go a year with out being ridiculed. Again, only funny for so long. For the record I still think Carrot Top and Paulie Shore are funny. Well, Paulie Shore more than Carrot Top. Carrot Top is just fucking crazy nowadays. Proof
Piss on the toilet seat - Obviously there is something with a number of grown men's penises because every time I go to take a shit there are drips of piss on the toilet seat. I mean yeah, it's sterile and I could technically sit on it, but does that mean that I want to? How would you feel walking around with little drops of wetness on your ass? What is so hard about wiping down a toilet after you are done? I understand there is going to be the inevitable splash but we could still be considerate of the people who will want to sit there. And if you can't be considerate enough to do that, they came up with this awesome invention called a urinal.
Washing your hands - I realize it takes a lot of balls to announce this but I do not wash my hands. Sure I'll wash them if somebody is in the bathroom with me but that's only so they don't ask me why I didn't wash my hands. I will wash them before touching certain foods but otherwise they go un-scrubbed. I will never get why people are so afraid of this, urine is sterile. And even if it wasn't I'd have to piss all over them in order for it to do any thing. I wash my friendly regions every day so there's no problem there. The only circumstances I can think of where you'd absolutely 100% need to wash your hands is if you've shat on them, pissed on them, or haven't washed your happy-fun-time regions in a dangerously long time. In 26 years how many of my family members have been terribly sick because of this? Survey says the count is at zero.
Riding in the elevator - I know this is a very prick-like thing to say but I hate riding in the elevator with people I don't know. When I come in in the morning I just want to get to my desk. People who get in the elevator have this way of feeling like they have an obligation to talk to you. Trust me pal please do me a favor and don't. We got on the elevator together because we both wanted to ride to the third floor. Neither of us got on there to talk to one another so let's do each other a service and not talk to one another.

Skating shoes - The dumbest invention ever. They almost look cute on girls but the moment you see some 5 year old male roller skating in his half assed-roller skate-shoe-imbreed you want to scream gay. Nevertheless all pre-pubescents wearing this look ridiculous and they serve no point. You are either walking or you're roller skating, PICK ONE! There's absolutely no need to do both at one time. Aside from these facts they also look dangerous. I can't imagine how many bastard kids have fell head first into the pavement only to become a blood stain.

This page is a work in progress and is not complete. This stamp will go away when the entry is fully complete.

2007-06-05T11:16:00.000-07:00

Novice

2007-06-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

Let's take a trip back to the past where cavemen roamed and dinosaurs walked the earth. Back in this time I'm sure it took some getting used to, being barefoot and all and having a brain the size of a walnut. So how in all their stupidity did cavemen figure out how to make fire? Well I'm sure it wasn't just a revelation. I'm sure that the guy didn't just start clacking rocks together to create sparks, the shit took some figuring out. But even still the guy probably took his sweet ass time and figured it out.

Why is it that cavemen understood this concept but we don't? For example having a wireless network. You wouldn't just jump from getting a computer to setting up a wireless network. You'd work your way up. Starting with learning simple things like how to even operate and change some of the basic settings in the computer. After all that you move your way up to software, and then working with other devices that connect to it; small things like a printer or an ipod.

After that you might start learning what a modem is and how it operates. Once you understand the basics of the internet and routers THEN you start thinking about going wireless. No need to jump the gun before it's even loaded, take your time and learn this shit so you don't have to call me for something stupid.

Hi I'm earth, have we met?

2007-06-05T07:43:00.000-07:00

If you were a carpenter and you told somebody to hold a hammer for you and they dropped it on your foot instead, how mad would you be? If your answer was "Not at all" you are a liar. So what is so hard about the left and right click on your mouse? It's pretty obvious from the get go which one is going to make every thing go. You either have a left or a right handed setup, most people have a right handed setup.

Your left mouse button clicks buttons, highlights text, fills in radio buttons, etc. The right mouse click brings up context menus and additional options and only ever needs to be clicked once. This seems like a pretty simple setup doesn' t it? Well there is a group of people out there that doesn't seem to grasp that the left mouse click is primary. What happens when they don't realize this? Every five seconds they ask me whether they should right or left click. Let me give you a lesson in how this works.

If I say "click there" that means click with your left mouse button unless otherwise specified. If I say "go ahead and right click" that is the otherwise specificed scenario and you should right click. That didn't seem too hard did it? No it didn't because it's really rather simple. Every time I hear some motherfucker say this I imagine them sitting on the floor as a kid, trying to put their train set together, and being confused by the simple step by step instructions.

I'm calling for Satan but I'm Jesus.

2007-06-05T07:11:00.000-07:00

For some unknown reason my customers will have someone else call for them. Why they do this I have no idea. It's pretty obvious that I'm here to deal with people who don't know shit. These people still insist that they are calling on behalf of someone else because they are more "technical"; yet they seem to know less than a single cell amoeba. It makes me wonder how "technical" the person is that they are calling in for. I mean seriously, if you can't follow instructions like "right click" how technical are you? There is another variation of this that involves lazy parents. The parent decides that they want to pay for internet but don't want to call in to tell us, so they have their kid do it. Any one who has ever been on XBOX live knows how annoying it can be to hear a little squeaky voice forced on you. Christ it's sending chills down my spine as we speak.

I can't friggin' believe I just heard this...

2007-06-05T06:34:00.001-07:00

Because I troubleshoot phone service I often run into "interesting" answering machine messages when I make test calls. Today I heard something so dumb I just had to share it with every one that reads this web log. All one of you. This is not a word for word interpretation but please feel free to gaze in amazement. I now present to you the most disturbing answering machine message I've ever heard.

"Hi, this is Jesus
and this is Satan. We'd like to read you a short prayer before you leave us your name and number (Insert passage from the bible here)."

Who in their right mind puts something like this on an answering machine? First off it's completely forced on you as if every body believes in the bible. Second, let's not forget that it's an ANSWERING MACHINE. It's a machine to leave messages on, MESSAGES. I want to leave my message and then hang up, I don't want to hear bible scriptures. This is worse than those people who leave fucking music as their voicemail greeting.

Things people say

2007-05-24T12:31:00.000-07:00

Going right along with the last web log I'm sure you know that I also speak to a lot of people in one day. You've probably also guessed, when you deal with people, hilarity almost always ensues. People say the stupidest things and that's what this entry is all about. Enjoy.

"I know it's your service causing the problem" - No, you don't know or else you wouldn't be calling me. If you knew any thing you'd know how to fix it. Shut up and let me fix your issue.

"I'm a subscriber" - Why in the world do I need to know you subscribe to my service? Isn't it very likely that I assume you are a subscriber if you call me? It's like walking into McDonald's and saying "Hi, I'm a McDonald's customer".

"I have problems" - Yes this much is obvious, you do have problems but what is the issue you are having?

"My computer is acting funny" - There are a few variations of this but this is my favorite. The comment always brings to mind a computer that has sprung to life, sprouted legs and a mouth, and is now telling jokes to all your guests.

"Was that a capital 5?" - In case you are wondering if I made this up I'll tell you now that the answer is no, I'm not making it up at all.

"It has to be plugged in?" - Let me ask my own question: Do electronic devices need to be plugged in? Yes, yes they do, that's why they are called ELECTRONIC devices.

"How does your company expect to stay in business when they cut off a customer that doesn't pay their bill?" - As a matter of fact I wonder how our company would stay in business if we just let every body not pay their bill.

"Why" - Because I said so, didn't you learn any thing from your parents?

"What do you mean you can't?" - I mean I can't, are we not clear on something here? Pay attention to the wording.

"::Baby Cries::" - AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Telephone Antics

2007-05-24T11:29:00.000-07:00

One thing, or I should say many things I experience as a tech support rep agitate me. One example is the things people do while they are on the phone. For whatever reason there is always some activity in my callers' lives that they just can't stop doing while they are on the phone. I feel that this is just one example of how people like to make themselves feel busy when they really don't have shit to do. I now present you with a list of said activities.

Answering the other phone when they are already talking to me - Example is a cell phone or another phone line in the house.

Hanging out with or feeding the dog - They bark up a storm. For some reason all the people who call me have small yappy dogs. Personality trait any body?

Eating, chewing, spitting, chomping, slirping, and gulping - Nobody on earth likes hearing these things and I thought that common sense was something most people had. Obviously I was wrong.

Not knowing who you are calling - Part of my job involves taking a massive amount of notes. When people have phone issues we have to take down a few example telephone numbers of the people who are having issues being called or calling the subscriber. On some calls there exists a very special type of person who for some unknown reason has no idea what phone number has been calling them. You call yourself a friend? For shame.

Driving while calling tech support - A large part of what I do also involves troubleshooting issues. As some of you may have guessed, you actually have to be home in order to do this. A lot of people aren't and sound like they came with their own personal wind tunnel complete with beeping car horns and screaming pedestrians.

Not at home - This goes right along with the last one. They call from work, or school, or even while they are standing at the bus stop. How in the hell are you going to know if I fixed any thing if you aren't where the problem is occuring?

Conferencing other tech support guys in - Not only is this a huge no no but it also makes the customer look like a dick. They basically try to get another tech support guy to explain his point of view so that we can't retort with any thing else aside from it being our fault. The only down side to their argument is that we won't even take the call.

Talking too fast - What was that? I'm sorry, did I hear you right? I hope you like hearing these phrases if you talk like you are on speed.

Not listening - Obviously you called me for a reason; is there any reason why you can't listen to what I'm saying instead of saying "huh" every few seconds?

Says their name too fast - Wow, what the hell was that you just said? For all I know you are Babagadooshinababi. Just because you say your name every day doesn't mean that every body else hears it the way you do. Slow the fuck down so I can tell who you are.

Not giving the area code - There are billions of people total on the earth, a lot of them live in different area codes. So why then do people insist on giving me 7 digits instead of 10? Well, frankly I think the answer is because they don't think at all. I also think it's because the people who call me like to think that nobody else in the world is more important than them so they think every asshole in the world lives in their area code.

Has a baby right next to the phone - Why in the hell must I hear your 2 month old scream as loud as they can into my ear? Why can't you just put the little bastard down for two seconds? PLEASE!

10 Things I hate about Castlevania: Symphony of the Night

2007-05-20T12:31:00.001-07:00

10.) The way special items are picked up – In this game you gain money, hearts, and special items by whipping objects that are in the room. This can be any thing from a clock to a lamp or even a chair. Since every thing falls from these objects you have no choice but to whip every single one of them. The problem I have is with the secondary weapons and how they follow the same guidelines as items. To pick up a secondary weapon in this game you walk over it. The problem I have with this is that sometimes you have a secondary weapon you want to keep. This automatically throws the secondary weapon you have and picks up the new one. The one you previously had sticks around for a few seconds on the ground and will eventually disappear. Another agitation is that sometimes the throwing of the old weapon will throw it off the screen entirely, leaving you with out the option of picking it back up. It could have easily been resolved by requiring you to crouch down on the new weapon to pick it up.

9.) The map screen – There are an awful lot of areas in this game so it goes with out saying that there is a map in it. The map is very similar to the one found in Super Metroid with one exception: there aren’t labels for the rooms or areas. You never know which room is which or where you are going. It just kind of feels like this huge memory game. For example, you remember that you want to go back to the Library, but you have no idea which blue chunk is the library.

8.) No real direction – This almost goes along with my last complaint. You have no way of knowing where to go next. Resident Evil forced you to go to certain places by locking off rooms with particular keys, Double Dragon had a hand that pointed to the right of the screen, and Metal Gear Solid gave you mission objectives. Symphony of the Night doesn’t do any of these things; instead it is free form and leaves it up to you to figure out what is going on. This leaves you wandering the halls of the castle aimlessly wondering what you are doing to begin with.

7.) Medusa heads – Not only are they in places where they are completely out of place but usually they are in combination with another monster that is far worse. The medusa heads in this game almost always show up in places where there are mechanical gears that you have to ride to the top or the bottom of the room. The gold ones don’t do damage, instead they turn you to stone. The blue ones do a minimal amount of damage but knock you half way across the screen as if you were hit by a line backer. If this doesn’t frustrate you enough then just wait until you figure out that there are also other monsters in the room that fly. This combination=death a lot.

6.) Water – I know it sounds stupid but in most Vampire mythology they have a weakness to Holy Water. Not in Konami’s line of games. Instead Vampires are weak against any kind of water. Whether it’s the dirtiest stank water from the sewers of New York or the pristine water from an untapped river. All water knocks the crap out of your health bar and there’s lots of it in the game.

5.) Useless rooms – I once read an article about video game design and the use of items in rooms. The article focused on first person shooters (FPS) and the use of rooms to provide ammo, equipment, etc. It stated that every room in the game should provide some sort of use to keep things busy. One thing Castlevania has is a plethora of is rooms that don’t do any thing at all. In fact there are rooms that don’t have even one thing in them. Some of them at least have the balls to have a chair you can sit in but some of them have completely nothing. So what’s the point? Well I think I have an explanation to this: the designers programmed armor that works based on the percentage of rooms that are found. There’s also a stat in the game that keeps track of the percentage of the map that you’ve explored. Why they needed to do any of this, I have no clue.

4.) Annoying sound effects – Not only are some of the sound effects out of place but they are also downright ear numbing. Don’t get me wrong, this is actually one of the places this game excels in some parts but killing a flying hand should not sound like some little girl whining. Little girl whining=annoying.

3.) Any room with zombies in it – It’s okay to have zombies in a game, but seriously do they have to infinitely spawn from beneath a marble floor? Yes folks, that’s right, almost any room that has a zombie in it in this game will infinitely spawn them. This means that no matter how many of the undead you kill they will always come back. It’s not that they are very hard but the fact that while I’m running through a room I have to tap right or left instead of holding it down, just to make sure I’m not hit by a zombie. This means I have to watch Alucard repeatedly do that little slide animation over and over as if he’s having some sort of seizure.

2.) The inverted castle – As if creativity wasn’t in enough demand we get what can only be described as a half-ass attempt at making the game longer. I can imagine how the meeting went. Some ass probably said they need to make the game longer than 4 hours long, and ass number 2 said “I know, we’ll throw in an inverted version of the castle with different enemies”. It feels as though we were slighted out of what could have been a whole other castle. How awesome would it have been to discover a whole new area? Way awesome.

1.) The continue screen – I bet I know what you’re thinking (at least if you’ve played the game anyway) you’re thinking “But there wasn’t a continue screen was there?” Of course there wasn’t and that’s why this is the thing I hated most about Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. Most developers realize that 95% of the time you are going to be annoyed that you died. That’s why they put in a continue screen so that you don’t have to go through an arduous process every time you die. Konami obviously did not realize this. Every time you die, you get to see a game over screen followed by an awful audio clip that I guess is Dracula saying “Game over” except the way he says it sounds so ghetto that’s it’s more like “Game Ova”. You can’t skip this screen. All you can do is press select so that you don’t have to hear the awful audio clip. After you’re done listening or skipping the audio clip you are returned to the title screen where it says “press start”. After you press start you select what you want to do. Either loading or starting a new game. Most times you’re going to want to continue so you have to do this every time you want to continue. Every single time you die you have to repeat this process. Number 1 thing I hated about Castlevania: Symphony of the night? No continue screen.

Please pay attention to the wording I’ve used here. This is a list of things I hate about this game, not a list of reasons why I hate the game. I don’t hate it; in fact I love the game. I played it for hours on end but there are a ton of things that could have been done way better.

I see....I mean hear about DEAD PEOPLE!

2007-05-03T19:50:00.000-07:00

What the fuck is it about being a tech support rep that makes people want to tell you their family members died? Every day I work I hear about at least one dead person. Or maybe it's just that people think you aren't depressed enough having to work a shitty job with all right pay. Come on now people what makes you think I need the extra weight on my shoulders?

I mean seriously, I wouldn't walk into McDonald's and start talking about how my cat died while I was waiting for my food. Those people have it rough enough with out me talking about something like that. They are most likely thinking "Get em in, get em out" and I'd have to agree. I want to help you but seriously enough with dead family members because there's honestly not a damn thing I can do about that.

Where is it? What do I click? Where? What? How?

2007-05-03T15:09:00.000-07:00

Jesus CHRIST! Now that I've gotten that out of the way let's talk about people who can not think for themselves. Surely you've had the displeasure of encountering one of these fuckin' people. What in the shit is wrong with them? I mean seriously, why go through life having someone hold your hand through every encounter? Don't you ever just want to do something on your own?

Today, I spoke to someone who couldn't create an account on a website on his own. WHY!? This is so goddamn easy to do and follows such a routine that almost every website has. I could go to any website right now and create an account and never speak to a single person. WHY IS THIS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND? You click create an account (seems simple so far huh?) then you enter any number of account information (name, address, and phone number) and you click on the button that says CREATE ACCOUNT.

That seemed really, really hard didn't it? NO! It didn't, because it's not hard to do that at all. The only thing that will satisfy my blood thirst for the evening is to see this man strapped into a chair, eye lids fastened open A Clockwork Orange style and have him watch films about how to create an account online over and over again. Then maybe his simple brain will get that this is something you can do on your own if you'd just take your head out of your ass and use it.

Look. It takes care of itself. NOT!

2007-05-03T09:06:00.000-07:00

My father once told me that my car isn't going to take care of itself. It was at that point that I realized that all things require maintenance. It's true, think about it. Sometimes it happens naturally but others have to be intentional. For instance when you get up, you might have to take a shit, you walk down stairs and see there's toilet paper still there. You look because you have to have toilet paper there to wipe your ass. That's a natural maintenance.

An example of intentional maintenance is you taking the time to look even though you wouldn't normally, such as the air in your tires. The air in your car tires isn't just going to check itself, and it certainly won't happen unless you choose to do it. There are some things that require it and some that don't. One of the things I think requires that kind of care is a computer.

It's true, it's damn true. I challenge you to go to a house where nobody ever does a spyware or virus sweep on their computer. See how well it runs, and how many popups and errors you get. Afterwards, visit somebody who does these sweeps and has had their computer an equally long time. I would bet money that you see a huge difference. Knowledge plays a huge part in maintenance. You won't know what to check if you have no clue what the fuck you are supposed to check.

On a car, if you didn't know any thing about cars at all, you'd have no clue how to check the oil. And just the same on a computer, if you have no idea where the modem is you have no fucking clue how to power cycle it. This works its way into software too. I talk to people who have no clue what virus protection they have, how to disable said virus protection, or if they have a router. These are just a few examples.

The point is that if you are going to have a computer, you should know what the fuck you are buying for it. The same goes for if you have a wireless router, you should fuckin' know what a WEP key is, you should know what your network name is. Yet, there are still people who will call me and tell me they don't know what their network is named. Hell, they'll call up and tell me they have no fucking clue how to even look to see if their network is connected.

I pretty much equate this to not knowing how to open the trunk of your car. It's standard, it's something your docile brain should know how to use. Tell me how well I'd do if I were a plumber and had no fucking clue how to use a snake. Survey says very poor. My point is that your computer won't take care of itself and if you are going to have something so complicated your dumbass better know how to operate it. Otherwise don't complain to me when your shit breaks down.

I am Jack's total misunderstanding of the English language

2007-05-03T08:37:00.000-07:00

Truthfully, do you want to know how bad I want every one in America to speak English? I mean if my wants and wishes for this to come true filled up a 500 ft balloon that shit would have popped by now. So I bet you're saying "Hey Jack! Why are you so damn angry at people who can't speak English?" Well that's a very good question that has a very good answer.

People who can't speak English shouldn't be allowed in our country. When is this country going to take the time to educate these fuckin' people and get them to stop trying to call me? That's right, people who know very minimal English will call me and try and troubleshoot. See if you can figure out how that equates into every thing. That'd be like me trying to ask a fuckin' blind man how many lights are lit on his modem.

Just to clarify I have no problem if you speak another language here, as long as you can speak the language that the majority of people fluently speak in America. I spent 20 minutes last night with some Japanese lady trying to get a number that should take at minimal 2 minutes or less to find. I couldn't get the bitch to understand which box she should look at. And to begin with she didn't understand when I asked her what problem she was having.

I greet people like so "Thanks for calling ********** my name is Jack, how can I help you today/tonight?" To which she replies "A blah flau flau" And I might add I do not remember what she said but it was gibberish anyway. Did I also mention that the words she did speak she pronounced poorly? How about the fact that almost every answer was met with something that made no sense?

Here's how it went down in not too many words.

Me: Okay there's going to be a label with what's called a mac address on it, I need you to find that label and read off the mac address.

Stupid: There's a what?

Me: It's called a mac address and will start with 2 zeros.

Stupid: No I don't see any thing like that, there is a serial numba.

Me: No that's not what we're looking for, it's going to start with 2 zeros

Stupid: 203458923156

Me: No that's way too many digits and it would start with 2 zeros. Does what you have, have a phone cord attached to the back? There should be a phone cord, do you see one?

Stupid: No it doesn't, I don't see any thing really except a thick white chord an a powa cable.

Me: No that's not it, is what you have there big enough to hold with two hands?

Stupid: Yes.

Me: Okay that's not what we want, what we want is going to fit in the palm of your hand, it's that small.

Anyways I'm all ready about to throw up thinking about how painful it got after that. Suffice it to say there had to be a communication barrier. Even the stupidest people I talk to at least know the difference between the devices connected to their TV and the devices connected to their computer and phone. I really can't wait until pressing 2 for Spanish isn't even a thought any more, and that shit is obliterated from my phone lines. Some phone trees won't even respond until you listen to the whole message and that includes that Spanish shit.

FFXI Vs. WoW

2007-03-29T12:55:00.000-07:00

For the uninformed that's Final Fantasy 11 VS. World Of Warcraft. After reading several reviews for FFXI on the EBgames website I got just a little pissed about what I saw. Most people will tell you that FFXI is an addictive and highly entertaining game. But there are a handful of people who will tell you that it sucks and takes too much time to play. You'll also notice that these same people are almost always WoW freaks. As someone who gave WoW a shot and chose FFXI over it, I like to think I know a little bit about both games. At least enough to make an informed decision.

So why did I choose FFXI over WoW? Well to tell you the truth the determining factor was really the people. The problem with WoW from the very beginning for me was the people playing it. The first thing I noticed when I ventured out of the Undead city I spawned in was that there were two Warlocks cussing each other out. I'm not talking about arguing, I'm talking about "I fucked your mother" or "You are an ass-munch". I've taken the liberty of correcting the spelling of these. Most of their conversation was one form of l33t speak or the other.

In general my game experience in World of Warcraft was that of displeasure. Aside from the people what else was it that I didn't like? Well let's talk about how you get EXP. At first I was more than happy that you could get EXP from doing quests rather than having to fight. I was psyched about it. While playing FFXI I had always wished there was another way to do it and wondered what it would be like. But the overall effect it has is that it makes the difficulty of leveling up go way down.

I'm the kind of person that likes feeling like I earned something, for me it was easy to get from level 1 to 10 within a couple of hours. This same process in FFXI takes around 10 hours. It's not rewarding doing 10 quests and being to level 10. Especially when those quests only involve killing monster 1 and bringing item 1 that monster 1 drops back to the quest giver. It all felt too stale.

I played both games but continued to play FFXI, it felt more enjoyable, relaxing, less tense and the community is slightly more patient. You can come across some know-it-all and elitists from time to time; But I can tell you that for the most part the community is helpful to new players. In FFXI I could be healing in the middle of the woods and some random person will walk up and start healing me. I tried shouting for help in WoW and got the reply "get some help from your mother" hardly the welcome introduction.

I tried a trial of WoW for 10 days and in that 10 days I experienced this and some other issues. As a Warlock you can unlock new creatures to summon. I chose to use an Imp for my battles. Eventually the Imp stopped responding to what I was telling it and even acted like It recognized that I issued a command but wouldn't fight any thing. Every body I spoke to in forums suggested that it was in passive mode, meaning it wouldn't fight no matter what. But I put it in aggressive and still it did nothing. I could be bludgeoned to death and my minion would sit there gleefully jumping up and down as I lay in a pool of my own blood.

This wasn't impressive to say the least. I tried flagging a GM to help but no one ever came after about 2 hours of waiting. The thing just would not work and overall this turned me off to Warcraft in a way I seldom feel turned off by games. I wondered to myself what would happen if I needed any other help. Maybe being harassed by another player, having numerous other game play glitches or got stuck in a wall somewhere. I would have no way of fixing any of these things on my own. The harassing player maybe by blacklist.

This all leads to another problem I'd like to talk about. In FFXI when you hit a monster you "claim" it. Nobody else but you can touch the monster from this point on unless they are in your party. As far as I know WoW does not have a claiming system, any nut in range of your fight can walk up and knock the crap out of whatever you are fighting. And this is regardless of their level, if this happens and the other player is levels above you, you get no EXP at all.

In general WoW seemed like it is rather deep and may have a rich world to go along with its storyline but the players hinder this experience. Most appeared to be impatient, unhelpful, and rude. True FFXI is not perfect in every aspect but it does have a way of making you feel that when you get a rare item that you've earned it. Mostly any thing in the game worth having takes hours to get and that's the way it should be.

Ultimately it depends on what kind of person you are. Do you want instant gratification? Are you a casual gamer? Go for World of Warcraft. Are you patient? Have lots of time on your hands? Will to help others? Go for Final Fantasy 11.

EBay scammer gets PWNED!!!

2007-02-23T15:48:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine sent this to me and it's absolutely hilarious. Judge Judy gives an EBay scammer who sold two sheets of paper what for. I knew eventually something like this may happen, of course it was funny the first couple of times but still, even if the person is stupid the people selling the item know damn well that nobody is going to buy a box for 400 dollars. Enjoy.

Borat is missing!

2007-02-22T12:25:00.000-08:00

As part of my normal rounds on the Internet I discovered something really odd: the sods over at IMDB have decided that they would not include Borat on their list of DVDs that are coming soon. Also very odd is the fact that it is in fact coming VERY soon to DVD. Very soon meaning March 6th, which if you remember is only 2 short weeks away, give or take a day. Not to fear, I got ya covered. You can check it out on IMDB here or you can go to its Amazon profile here. I like!

Router Vs. Rooter

2007-02-22T11:56:00.000-08:00

We all know that you say Potato and I Potaato but have we ever heard you say Router and I say Rooter? No, the answer is that you probably haven't. The reason for that is because there is a U in Router and there is no U in Rooter. They are both distinctively different and both very easy to read, at least to someone who is in the slight bit literate.

So why then am I doused on a daily basis with something along the lines of "I think there is something wrong with my LinkS rooter"? Well there's a very easy answer to that question: the person who said it is illiterate or just plain can't speak English. In either case I think they should either hang up immediately and join Hooked On Phonics or be thrown out of the country as an illegal immigrant.

There is always another option of course, they could call The Real Rooter.

Warez Leader Faces 10 Years In Jail

2007-02-22T11:44:00.000-08:00

I got this from Digg. Apparently being a Warez distributor is not entirely the best profession to have. Good luck to all involved, it really sounds like you're going to need it. A very short stint for me as a teenager found that Warez sites are a haven for malicious activity. None of any of the experiences I have trying to gain access to this illegal software were pleasant. Admittedly I was wrong for even trying, but never succeeded, and hearing about this story I'm glad I never did. Most Warez sites were littered with among other things, bugs, viruses, popups, spyware, adware, and porno galore. I think they should be given a reduced sentence, basically because most of their sites are more of a deterrent than an actual reason to continue trying to download pirated software. The Story.

Coming soon to DVD

2007-02-20T06:05:00.000-08:00

Any body interested in what new DVDs they can buy next Tuesday can rest assured, I got ya covered. Next week you can expect Tenacious D And The Pick Of Destiny if you want to rock out and actually like Tenacious D that is, and of course I do. There are random others but I haven't seen any of them, come to think of it I haven't seen Tenacious D And The Pick Of Destiny. All right I admit it I don't care to look at other movie titles I've never heard of, movies like "Tideland" and "The Return". Yeah I know, I'm so "mainstream" it's ridiculous. And if you feel like being bored on the 27th go ahead and either rent or buy Alexander: The Final Director's Cut on DVD. Funny how it says final huh? I wonder why that is, oh yeah now I remember it's because there have been about 3 releases of this trash already.

Kind of funny how they change it from 2 Disc Special Edition into 2 Disc Collector's edition. That just screams to you "Hurry up and buy before I'm gone" doesn't it? Well that's until you actually watch this and realize nobody would ever buy this item from you.

Not so funny Crackdown gag

2007-02-20T05:55:00.000-08:00

As the previous post mentioned, Crackdown hits store shelves today. Because of the Halo 3 beta that is included with it some of the junkies that play that game insist that Crackdown isn't actually a game so much as a bonus of getting the Halo 3 beta. I have to disagree with these guys, Crackdown is in itself worth purchasing and the Halo 3 beta for me is just a bonus. Maybe you'd like to pay $60 dollars for the ability to play a beta, which is a game that is incomplete and sure to have bugs, but I'd like to spend that on a full blown game. To the point, I found this while browsing Digg. It's basically some joker's idea of what Crackdown actually is, I do find it funny, but only because there are people buying it for the Halo 3 beta.

Crackdown released today

2007-02-20T05:43:00.000-08:00

Just in case any body didn't know, Crackdown for the XBOX 360 came out today. Here is a review to get you hyped up for when you play it. There's also an XBOX live marketplace demo for those who have been zoning out for the past couple of months. I'm sure there are big banners on live for those with out enough "want to" to check marketplace for new demos every now and then.

Wireless Networks....Bane of humanity

2007-02-20T05:14:00.000-08:00

I am not sure whose brilliant idea it was to create wireless networks, but clearly they weren't thinking straight when they did. I know people love the idea of no wires, but this technology is so imperfect that it shouldn't even be on the market yet. I get people who call in every day and complain about security keys not working, and networks that don't show up. Let's face it anyway, when it boils down to it a wired connection is much more reliable any day.

I was telling somebody just last night about the pros and cons of wireless versus wired connections. Sure, she didn't seem to agree with me, but that's because she didn't understand half the things I was saying. Every body is all about wireless because it's clean and they can use it with their laptop. Nobody ever stops to consider the notion that it's a wireless device just like any other wireless device and may be prone to the same issues.

Wireless networks are probably no big deal for someone like myself who knows what to do in the case of it failing but what happens when a DigiMoron has one?

I know you've probably seen that 10,000 times but I feel like this is what just may happen when one of the computer illiterate get their hands on a network of their own. Wireless networks are not for the computer stupid or people who expect to pick up and play. It doesn't work that way, computers don't work that way. It's not going to work 100% of the time with out any user input.

In summation, please don't buy a wireless any thing or maybe even a computer if you can't be bothered to find out important things like what your network name is. That's right folks, I said it, I talk to people who don't even know what their network name is. Guess what they also don't know: their WEP key. And sometimes they might not even have a secure network. We all know what that one means: TIME TO EAT UP SOMEONES BANDWIDTH and steal an internet connection.

BB Gun Vs. 19" Flatscreen Display

2007-02-19T19:32:00.000-08:00

So just what does happen when you shoot an LCD monitor with a BB gun? Get ready to find out. I found this video on Digg and thought it was interesting. Click Here to see it.

An intro to DigiMorons

2007-02-19T19:26:00.000-08:00

Welcome to DigiMorons. Consider this not so much just a web log, but a chronicle of the digitally moronic, as the name would suggest. I don't claim to be the world's smartest man, but I do claim to be smart enough to have common sense. Here you'll find among other things:

Links to interesting Entertainment News
Interesting stories in the field of Technology
Randomly chosen and extraordinary stories about life
Tech-Support stories like never before
Stupid junk I just happen to like

I hope you enjoy it in all its trash-like glory. Thanks for entertaining my stupidity.

Signed,

The Angry Tech-Support Guy